Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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