I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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