Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
