Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize