Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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