HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i don't like sucking hair
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize