I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
