Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
