Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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