Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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