woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
