The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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