i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
