well I can't set my house on fire every night
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
