Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
