Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
