I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize