Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
