I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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