I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
