im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
