Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am naked and annoyed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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