if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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