it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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