i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
