yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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