When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
did you just send me my own nude
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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