I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
