you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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