I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
