i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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