if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
