the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
