theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
