a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
40s are totally the cure
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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