you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
