They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
