Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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