; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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