the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
