Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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