Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
