Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
