She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
