if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
