it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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