Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
