Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
