I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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