she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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