I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
