All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
