This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
