I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
