He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i came on her dog
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
