roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
