i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
