Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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