Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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