my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
