i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
